SATIRE

Written by Zoe Brown, graphic by Sarah Nash

Do you find yourself romanticizing a life with strangers you see at coffee shops, in class, or in daily life?

Do you feel a subconscious need to look beautiful at all times?

When speaking to men, do you find yourself suppressing certain opinions, thoughts, or feelings to avoid making them feel uncomfortable?

Do you crave male attention even though you claim to find men repugnant?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you may have Internalized Patriarchy Disorder, a term recently coined by me. IPD is a non-medical condition where a person experiences an inexplicable need to be seen and recognized by men, despite one’s desire for independence. Though the condition is chronic, it IS treatable and you are NOT alone. Here are some at-home remedies for treating mild to severe self-diagnosed IPD. Though totally unscientific, this prescription should reduce symptoms in 2-200 months if followed properly. 

 Side effects of this prescription may result in a loss of interest in men entirely, replaced by a shift of focus inward toward one’s own happiness and success. 

Support groups

Share this article with friends, check up, and see if they too are experiencing symptoms of IPD. If they share the diagnosis, invite them over for a chat session, specifically designed to let out thoughts and feelings about men. Make a night of it, watch a film, play Monopoly, bake cookies. Just DON’T text your ex. 

Music

The healing properties of music should be employed QUICKLY after an IDP diagnosis. IPD + heartbreak may lead you to listen to sad, slow music, which is totally acceptable of course. Feel all your feelings, love. But if you aren’t feeling heartbreak (which can be a symptom of IPD), try turning to a more empowering soundtrack of healing. For me, an ensemble of artists including, but not limited to, Megan Thee Stallion, Lizzo, Lily Allen, Beyonce, Flo Milli, Lorde, Doja Cat, and Billie Eilish put me on the path toward recovery. 

Read

Read about all the horrific atrocities men have committed over the course of human history. Surely, you will see similarities between authoritarian dictators, serial killers, corrupt businessmen and men you’ve met in your personal life. Though seeing these possible connections may make you uncomfortable at first, it may zap you out of a trance of romanticizing men and allow you to see them for what they really are — beings that range from mildly annoying to actually evil. 

GNI - Girls Night IN

The hard truth of the matter is that you will likely never feel more satisfied with your life after a rowdy night out at the club. Though your immediate reaction after being disappointed by a man might be to flock to the bars, this is an effort that will likely be expensive with little return on investment. 

Trade a night out for a night in with the girls and the gays. Have a picnic, play Just Dance on the Wii, do a Euphoria themed photoshoot, or arrange a charcuterie board. Activities that require planning will take your mind off the patriarchy and remind you what is really important in life — friendship and fun!

Limit intake of romantic movies

Some films in the romantic genre will offer a cathartic experience, leaving you feeling the raw pain of heartbreak. This can be employed as a deterrent from relationships and men in general. Other films may leave you with unrealistic standards of love which will leave you thirsting for human contact. 

Toxic amounts of happy-ending romance films may leave you vulnerable in interactions with men who carry obvious red flags. These toxic levels will not reduce the romantic wanderings of your mind, but rather fuel them. 

Toxic levels, increasing symptoms of IPD: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, 10 Things I Hate About You, The Kissing Booth, The Notebook and anything else by Nicholas Sparks

Neutral levels, likely to cause no change in symptom: When Harry Met Sally, Love, Simon, Love Rosie, The Big Sick, Love Actually

Safe levels, possibly reducing symptoms of IPD: Someone Great, 500 Days of Summer, Call Me By Your Name, Portrait of a Lady on Fire, La La Land, Stuck in Love

Start your own small business 

Starting a small business is one of the most efficient ways to forget about men. Become immersed in your craft and focus on the hustle. Think back to your days in elementary school when, admit it, you were selling duct tape wallets and flower pens. Did you care about men back then? No. Tap into that mindset and grind, girlie. 

Throw your phone off an Irish Cliff.

Or any cliff, for that matter. After promptly chucking your phone into oblivion, go off the grid. Learn how to chop firewood and cook on an open spit. Hunt for your entree and gather for dessert. Learn to not only live off the land, but live with yourself.

Currently in treatment for IPD myself, these are some methods I used to nearly eliminate the urge to talk to men all together. At the beginning of treatment, I still wanted to be noticed by men. Now I roll my eyes anytime a man Snapchats me. This, my friends, is progress. Together, we can reach new heights and heal together.