8 Things Every Trans Ally Should Know

Written by Liam Hill, graphic by Liam Hill

As a transgender person, I’ve had many awkward public encounters surrounding my gender identity. The funniest thing about it is that most of the people were very well-meaning. In public I once watched as a complete stranger yelled at another stranger who accidentally misgendered me. And while I appreciated the sentiment, the execution could have been better. Based on these experiences, I’ve compiled a list of things that every trans ally should do. This list isn’t comprehensive, as there’s no way to account for every situation you might find yourself in. This is meant to be a guideline for how to support the trans people in your community.

1. Set an inclusive tone.

Start by asking everyone to introduce themselves with their name and pronouns. I’ve heard many cis people complain about having to use their pronouns in introductions, but it’s more important to normalize it. Sure, you may feel silly asking everyone to call you she/her or he/him when you’re obviously cisgender, but it will be much more uncomfortable for the transgender people in the room if they’re the only ones stating their pronouns.
2. Avoid backhanded compliments and unwanted tips.

Even if you are intending to be supportive, some things can still be harmful. Never use the phrase “for a trans person” when giving a compliment. This implies that trans people are less than cis people. Telling a trans person they look like a real man/woman is not a compliment. They are already a real man/woman. In the same vein, it’s rude to give a trans person tips on their physical appearance unless they ask.

3. Be careful about outing.

Some trans people choose to be out in some circles and not in others. It’s important to not talk about the status of a trans person’s identity behind their back, even in a positive context. Accidentally outing a trans person to someone they haven’t come out to yet could be awkward or even dangerous. Let them tell people on their own terms.

4. Challenge transphobia, even from LGB people.

Just because someone is LGB, that doesn’t mean they can’t be transphobic. Some may think that just because they’re LGB, it’s acceptable for them to say distasteful things about trans people. It’s important to speak up when someone says something transphobic, no matter who they are or what community they’re a part of.

5. Understand there is no single way to transition.

Some trans people choose to do hormone replacement therapy. Some do not. Some choose to get surgery. Some do not. Some want hormones and surgeries, but cannot afford them. There is no right or wrong way to transition, only different ways. Every trans person’s experience is different. That doesn’t make any trans person more or less transgender than the next.

6. Just because you don’t understand an identity, doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

Transgender is an umbrella term, and many identities fit underneath it. Even if you don’t fully understand an identity, that doesn’t mean the identity isn’t real. It’s important to listen, educate yourself, and ask appropriate questions to gain a better understanding. You don’t say complex math isn’t real just because you don’t understand it, do you?

7. Listen to transgender people.

As an ally, you can’t speak for transgender people. Instead, lift up their voices and help give them a platform. Listen to trans musicians. Read books by trans authors. Look at blogs and YouTube videos. Let trans people speak for themselves and listen.

8. Don't be afraid to admit when you don't know something.

The most important part of being an ally is asking questions. First, make sure that your question is okay to ask. Don’t ask about a trans person’s surgery or hormone status. Do ask about their pronouns and what terminology they prefer to use to describe themself. Even if you think your question is silly, most trans people will appreciate that you’re taking the time to learn.

Keep in mind that these aren’t the only things you can do to be a good trans ally. Mistakes do happen, and change doesn’t happen immediately. There is not a single person out there who always says the right thing. Be patient with yourself and be patient with those around you.