How to evict the guy who lives rent-free in your head

Written by Zoe Brown, graphic by Julia Kidwell

Must young adults have experienced the all-consuming situationship that leaves you mildly upset and extremely confused when it inevitably comes to a sputtering halt. These guys tend to live rent-free in my mind and stay way past the date on their eviction notice. 

A guy “living rent-free in your head” doesn’t have any of the obligations of a boyfriend but has all the emotional control of one. 

A boyfriend may live in your head but he pays rent to do so. With most traditional relationships there is this sort of agreement. “Please don’t romantically talk to other people or sleep with anyone else.” 

Situationships have none of this stability. You don’t have a right to be upset if they talk to other people. You don’t feel like you have the right to ask them to include you in plans or decisions. You feel like you have no reason to be upset about things that would justifiably warrant frustration in a relationship. 

So how do you get him to quit living in your mind rent-free? How do you stop thinking about that person and the potential for what could have been? How do you avoid going through another lengthy situationship?

Know that it was probably never going to work out anyway. If your situationship constantly left you confused and frustrated, it wasn’t worth your time. If you were always questioning your feelings for that person and spent most of your “talking phase” trying to figure out if you liked him, you probably didn’t. 

Evaluate your true feelings. Take a good hard look at how you felt about him. Did you have feelings for him? Or did you just like the validation you got from him? Did you enjoy being around him or did you just tolerate his presence? Did you like being out with him or did you like the idea that people were seeing you out with him? What was he adding to your life? Anything?  What did you feel most through the duration of your situationship? If it was mostly anxiety, it’s not worth salvaging. 

Remind yourself that if you really liked him, you probably would have ACTUALLY put up a fight for the relationship. Get real with yourself. You knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. Did you really want those relationship-type things from him in the first place? In my case, the answer was no. I’d feel like I was having a panic attack before seeing him, which in hindsight was probably because of how uncertain I felt. 

Think about the future. If you had to bring him home tomorrow to your parents and friends, would they like him based on what you’ve told them about him? This is a kicker. If you only air your grievances to them and have very few good things to call home about, there would be virtually no chance of a successful future with him unless you were to hash out all your feelings and mistakes and agree to move forward together, which, let’s be real, he probably doesn’t have the capacity for.

Recenter yourself. Take a break from social media. Quit checking his Snap story and his liked tweets. Remove the apps from your phone if you have to. He is not your business. Remind yourself that there would be no way to form a truly healthy relationship on the existing foundation of uncertainty. 

Make time to remember who you are. For me, journaling helps me stay grounded in my identity. List out what you love about yourself. How do you see yourself in the future? Think about everything you’re learning now and how that will help shape the you of the future. Then think about the present by writing what you’re currently grateful for in your life. Even if everything feels like it’s going wrong, you can still be grateful for the little things like the smell of spring or comfort TV shows or Starbucks iced coffee.

Do physical things to make yourself feel good as well. Work out, do some yoga, take a nap, take a bath — whatever floats your boat. Comforting yourself physically will remind you that things will eventually feel better no matter your feelings right now.

Talk to friends. Girls nights are extremely helpful for centering yourself. They will hopefully remind you that you are loved well by the people you love the most. 

These are all important because you’ve likely spent too much time and brain power thinking about another person who has not been doing the same for you. 

Give yourself the ick for him. Write this one out, it’s honestly so funny. If anything about him made you cringe, list it out. His weird walk, his sweaty hands, his Saturdays Are For The Boys flag? Major ick vibes. Remember that. It may seem mean, but thinking about these things may actually help remind you that he was just some guy. Not a god. Just a regular dude. No one worth tripping over. 

Channel your feelings into something productive. In situationships, it can be hard to express your feelings. Take time to sort out your feelings and acknowledge that they are valid even if there was no title attached to your relationship. Repressing the feelings you have about a situationship ending will only make things worse later on. Disappointment is a powerful feeling. Identifying and validating that disappointment along with any other feelings you might have will help you process what happened and help you see it with new eyes. 

Then, try to channel those feelings into something worth doing. Coincidentally, I always find myself more creatively inspired after a relationship meets its end. Maybe it’s the freed-up space in my brain or the part of me that likes the drama of relationships, but I often find myself writing about my experiences after they end. Think of something ending as material for your upcoming comedy special, novel, or album. 

Realize situationships are two-way streets. In my case, I never communicated my needs or boundaries. Instead, I made vague excuses for my actions or absences. I never asked for anything, so I never got what I wanted. That’s on me. You can’t blame someone for upsetting you when you never set that expectation in the first place. 

If you’re not currently dealing with a situationship, use these points to help you navigate your next romantic endeavor. 

Going forward, I’m going to try to set boundaries early, communicate often and not waste too much time on someone I’m uncertain about. You should too!