How to make friends for the long-haul

Written by Zoe Brown, graphic by Kendall Darnell

My friends are truly my biggest flex. But, this hasn’t always been the case for me. In fact, I’ve gone through some really challenging friendship situations that have ultimately led me to have a pretty critical eye when it comes to friends. As a freshman in college, I felt like I had a tough time making friends. Coming from high school where you know everyone and everyone knows you, I felt lost in a sea of new people. But over time, I got more brave with my friendships. As a senior, I’ll be leaving with some of the best people I’ve ever known, but it’s because I put in the work to make it happen. 

In my experience, I’ve found that there are three main obstacles to achieving friendship equilibrium. The first is finding friends. The second is developing meaningful friendships. And last is figuring out how to address issues within a friendship.

In the first of this three-part series, I will outline my tried-and-true best practices for making new friends that last. 

Join a club

In college, the conventional wisdom for finding friends is to join some sort of club or activity. Whether it be a sorority or fraternity, an intramural sport, or a political interest group, determine what you’re interested in and find an organization that matches those interests. As a freshman, I joined several organizations and this helped me to meet a lot of people. However, I felt confused at how I was simultaneously a part of so many groups but had very few, if any, close friends to show for it. The missing ingredient for me was patience. Friendship takes work and trust, and that doesn’t happen automatically. Take the time to get to know people in the organization to see if they seem like someone you’d get along with.

Take a risk

Once you’ve met someone you are interested in being friends with, it’s time to take it to the next level by hanging out. It may feel like a risk to ask someone to do something or to approach them at all. But, it's safe to assume that people are looking for friends and that you are worthy of friendship! Ask them if they’d want to get coffee before or after the meeting or to do something related to the organization. This way, you have something in common that serves as a jumping off point to really get to know the person. 

Introduce yourself

Let’s say you’ve casually met people through getting involved, but how do you solidify the friendship? One thing that makes all the difference is saying ‘hi’ to acquaintances in public. Whether you have a class with them or are in the same organization or they are a co-worker you’re rarely scheduled with, GREET THEM. To do this, it is best to say right off the bat where you recognize them from. For example, “Hi, I’m Zoe, I recognized you from PLS 317!” or “Hi, I think we met at Julia’s party!” Telling the person your name and where you know them from takes the stress off of them to rack their brain for how they know you. This can be scary at first, but you will get more comfortable at this with practice. 

Ask questions

Once you start a conversation like this with an acquaintance, be sure to ask them specific things about themselves that you are curious about. Asking someone questions is a great way to make them feel special and known. Especially when this is a person you’ve met in college, there are bound to be many people and experiences you have in common to talk about. Beyond the basic questions about their major, clubs, and work, ask them how they feel. If they answer a question in a hesitant way, it may be appropriate to ask something along the lines of, “Oh, how do you feel about that?” This shows them that you want to know more than just  trivial facts about their life.

Remember details

From there, try your best to remember details about what they told you in your previous interaction. That way you can talk to them in a deeper way that isn’t just asking, “How are you?” Asking “How did your group project end up?” opens a dialogue in a way that a generalized question does not. Remembering these details takes work and does not necessarily come easily to everyone. But once you remember to think about it, it will become second nature. This is a relatively easy and effective way to deepen new friendships.

I once saw a TikTok that totally changed my perspective on friendship. It said something along the lines of, “It’s not about who you are, it’s about how you make people feel.” And I’ve found this to be true. Friendship is not about proving you have an interesting taste in music, or that you’ve traveled to 4 different continents, or that you are totally politically woke. It’s about making people feel worthy of love and affirmation.